Bowser + Beau sleep soundly tonight while I'm stuck in a loop

Woke up at 3am with all sorts of negative thoughts in my head. It's hard to get the negativity away when you're tired and ready to still be asleep and it's 3am. And hungry, again. My mind goes so many places, and I suppose I am the one sending it there, but I don't really like the scenery, the places, or the so alone sensation. Things have gotten sort of better, but I definitely feel like there's a long way to go. Acceptance goes a long way I suppose. And I think that maybe A has not really come that far. I get super down thinking about it. About how important it is to me that he approve and embrace my decisions, but I don't feel it. I feel alone, tired, and sad, and all I want is a hug and sweet words of reassurance.

My commute to work isn't so bad, about an hour give or take. Just the fatigue sets in much earlier than I would like. While I have field work they've paid for the lonely hotel room which I use, mainly for showering and restless sleep, and sitting in the dark. I try to come home as much as possible, and I push through the fatigue to try to arrive with a smile on my face, or at least not half asleep and grumpy.

Bowser dug up some trees I planted Sunday. Frustrating, somehow surprising, but of course should be unexpected. He is a puppy. He will come into the office with me today and hopefully play his heart out with the other dogs who come in. I plan to make a delicious dinner for Beau and take it in to work for him tonight since he has to work so late.

Speaking of work, I have no idea when it ends. It's almost worse, the expectation for the end and seeing it in the near distance, but not knowing when it will actually arrive. Not really knowing what action to take, not knowing what is really necessary, if I really won't have work soon, or if there will be at least some part time stuff. Yesterday the boss had me produce a mini GIS resume to submit to the client for the next job, which fills me with mixed feelings of happiness (that maybe they will keep me on through to the next job), frustration (at not knowing), and annoyance (that they're just putting it on there as a just in case, cover the ass. How am I supposed to cover mine?). A lot of stress to add on top of the other stresses I have heaped upon myself. Unfortunately, I don't really see a future where it will be any other way. It's the new business model. Hire temporaries and get rid of them before they ask for benefits.

I hope I qualify for the medical assistance program I am applying for. It would take a load off of my back and I could find some closure on that front. Closure and confidence, the two things I lack and sorely desire. I wish I felt stronger. And I am trying, I really am.

Things could be worse. Like poor Tom, who in one day was fired, and for the same reasons given on that day the next he was dumped. But he seems to be doing ok, at least he has a better sense of self and what he needs to fix in his life.

I think I'll try to get some sleep now, maybe I've poured enough out to finally stop the loop.