Light headed & tired

I have been dizzy all morning. And tired. Have the upstairs to myself for the morning and then KB will be in after lunch. Sooo, likely I'll have the place for most of the day.

Jupiter and his moons will be visible tonight. I am very tempted to drive out to the country with my binocs & star gaze. It would be cold, but at least I wouldn't be tossing about a shovel. I would be doing a thing that I really love to do, and that I haven't gotten to do in a long time. I used to star gaze & comet spot with my Dad. We would go out into the yard and lay down on the ground head to head & stare at the sky. Probably part of the reason many of my sleep walking sessions as a child ended with me walking outside & stopping. I have always loved looking at the sky at night. All of my day dreaming about travelling among the stars, from place to place, planet to asteroid... I had lofty goals for us to have attained by now... And yes, I am disappointed that I will probably never get to go to Mars.

My dreams have always been of space travel, or of working under mysterious circumstances and usually having to get out of a pickle more than a few times in some place in between apocalypse & rebuilding, or in the window just before it and surviving the destruction to later emerge.

I am tired, but I need to take a moment for some reflection. In my efforts to distance my mind & heart from the things around me I have also lost a little bit of my own connection to those same things. I feel like a leaf on water. I feel disjointed, uncomfortable in my own skin, and distressed that I have not resolved & dissolved the conflicts in my mind. My usual compartmentalization has been streamlined, but instead of little organized boxes on shelves I have entire rooms I've closed the door on, and am compulsively opening the door to peer in, only to see the mess still waiting. Funny though, most of it isn't mine, so I will leave the key in the door for the rightful owners. I need only keep my eye on my current goals & attain them. Clarity & focus will be my armor & weapon, because even if I do have a lot of unresolved rooms, I don't need to carry them around with me. Going going and going I haven't left moments for resolution, a chair to sit in, a place to rest my chin in contemplation. But that is something I believe I can remedy. I have so little time to myself, and am constantly going from one task to the next, with no mental stretching or rest taking place between work, relation, work, obligations, and a little play. My pumpkin needs his deload time, every day, and I think that I provide him that time, but I need something, too. I need quiet, warm blankets, warm bodies, rest, rest, rest. He is stressed & distressed and deals with it in his way, and this pill opens the faucet. I am stressed & distressed, I turn off the water & shut the door, only to peer thru the window & watch him morph.

Does the moth really kamikaze on the light, or is he just so fragile that the heat generated just sucks him in? After watching so many times, I feel more like the light is a mini black hole & the event horizon engulfs whatever the light touches & pulls it in.

Crazy M has invited Beau to the lab she works in. Sometimes I wonder how much men lie without knowing. My heart trusts nothing, it has felt so many come and go. I need to focus on myself, stop thinking bad thoughts about things I can never know for sure. Better to be oblivious & happy, not having to deal with chronic doubt & concern; better to just be aware of the possibility for acute distress, and find comfort in resolution. I am not a dweller.

I do not dwell. I flash.